Sunday Romance: How We Began

maybe we can't help being idiots when it comes to love. that's what makes love beautiful and extraordinary. it takes us beyond our normal, mundane selves and turns smart, capable people into glorious fools.

-christine fabian, 2009

I will be sharing our love story, a very ordinary story that has become my life's best adventure.

 Courtesy of Warner Music Philippines

This song by Nina came out in 2003. It is the song that made me realise I was falling in love with my best friend.

It was the summer of 2003 and I was a NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth) college freshman. Jeno and I were constant companions and friends. He was just fresh off of a breakup and I have just learned my crush was not interested in me. I have never had a close friend of the opposite sex, and quite frankly, I felt threatened by them. So when Jeno and I first became friends, I was pleasantly surprised to find someone who wasn't interested in courting or dating me. Heck, he was pining for one of my closest female friends! This mutual friendship (my close friend and his fresh ex-girlfriend) and riding the same jeep route brought us together. I would listen to him moon over his ex, he would listen to me swear off guys, we would share food and walk to the paradahan together. We'd remind each other the need to stay out of relationships and romance. We would send each other text quotes and talk to each other on the phone everyday. I was "Sis Christine" on his phonebook and he was "Bro Jeno" on mine. I finally shed my distrust of the opposite sex, totally comfortable sharing my opinions and thoughts with him. Slowly, very slowly, something else blossomed.

Slowly, like a rose coming into bloom,

Grudgingly, like a very sore loser,

I admit to losing my heart 

In the heat of summer,

To a boy who smiled with his eyes

And has a penchant for mushy text messages.

Love came slowly and hesitantly because we were like brother and sister. Our once platonic friendship moved into a zone that I was afraid to go into, not because it was unpleasant, but because it would complicate our friendship.

It was complicated. I felt guilty developing feelings for him because I was instrumental to their break-up. I was May-May's confidant and I encouraged her to break up with him. I saw that she was having other personal issues that needed her full attention and she simply cannot deal with what I perceived to be a needy boyfriend. Although she started to distance herself from him to soften the pain of separation, he relentlessly pursued her across campus. As her friend, I saw most of it. At first, I felt some derision for Jeno, at how he was martyr-like in his devotion. One night we started talking, when May-May refused to talk to him. He told me he liked me but I was too hard to reach. I laughed and said he had no chance. He laughed too, and we became friends. So instead of going after her, he would hang out with me and Ramon, another friend who was going through heartbreak. So when I began feeling something, I tried to smother it, not wanting May-May to think that I stole her boyfriend.

I started feeling some queasiness when he would tell me about how his ex (and my classmate) would avoid him and I reluctantly comforted him. One night I dreamt about the two of us kissing and that's when I started to see him in that light. Whenever we'd talk about his failed relationship, I will just nod but actually try to block off everything that he's saying. I was getting uncomfortable seeing him looking at May-May with puppy-dog eyes because it highlighted the fact that I was getting jealous he didn't feel that way for me. It riled when he'd text me and call me "sis". We high-fived each other, invented this elaborate fist pump, and be ourselves with each other. I felt that to him, I was just one of the boys. I was friend-zoned even before the word was invented! It was not a good feeling. 

Still, our friendship remained because he was a good friend. "Jealous" would be playing on the jeep radios when we'd go home together and I am made more acutely aware of my hopeless situation. I was jealous of the lucky girl who had his heart. I bore May-May no ill (we were, and are, friends despite this weird set-up) but it was a pity that all Jeno's devotion was wasted on her because she won't have him back. I remember thinking "If someone loved me like that, I will never let him go. I will cherish him and let him know every day that I love him."

The breaking point came one beautiful afternoon in a park. Jeno, Ramon, and myself went out for a stroll. I have just admitted to myself that I was irrevocably and totally in love with my best friend, and have accepted that. I was silent most of that time, being suddenly shy around him yet wanting to enjoy the day with both of them. When he took Ramon aside to talk about something "private", I moved away, knowing they will be talking about his ex. I went as far away from them as possible and cried. When they went to find me, I wiped my tears away, pasted a smile on my face, and pretended something was in my eye. My heart was in a million pieces.

That week, I avoided Jeno and told Ramon I can't hang out with them anymore. I told him I can't stomach seeing Jeno pine for May-May and help him find ways to get back with her or get over her (depending on the day). I was on the losing end and I hated losing. So I distanced myself hoping that I will forget him and this storm of emotions he awakened in me.

I never thought to fall in love like that. I wanted a knight in shining armor, bearing Prince William's face (and fortune) , to come and sweep me off my feet. I wanted pomp and circumstance, with the fairy tale ending in a dream wedding. I did not expect it to blossom from a platonic friendship.

I had my fair (or unfair) share of suitors and I all turned them down. I did not know why back then, but as soon as a guy showed any intention of courting me, I immediately turn them down. I won't encourage them or give them hope that they have a chance because that would be unfair to them. I just get turned off when it happens. It is only recently that I have realised that I did not want to be pursued. I agree that it is romantic and it feels good to be wooed. Personally, I do not like the idea of "staging" love. Because that's what wooing is. You put your best foot forward and shove your bad side to the back. I do not want to be pursued. I wanted to be on equal footing with my lover, for both of us to fall into it together and discover it and navigate it together. I want to get to know his good side and bad side.

However, at that time, I was in love with someone who was still in love with someone else. Walking away was a good idea to survive being "friend-zoned" unscathed. After I poured my heart out to Ramon, he looked at me funny and he LAUGHED. He insisted that I talk to Jeno and tell him what I just told him.

That afternoon, I called Jeno. Figuring this might well be the last conversation we'll have, I told him everything. We ended up talking for 3 hours, as he confessed to returning my feelings but was afraid to tell me for fear of rejection. He confessed to "love at first sight" but, taking our friends' advice, did not make any move on the Ice Queen (me). We ironed out all the mixed messages and agreed that we were in love with each other. The first few weeks was an adrenaline rush as we got to know each other more and moved from friends to something more special. I was getting used to the novelty of falling in love and reveled in it. But I was not ready to have a boyfriend. I did not want to make any rash decisions, so we remained "Special Friends". He waited some months before we became a couple. 

He told me that when you love somebody, they stay in your heart. You don't forget them, you just learn to live without them. I have accepted early on that he cannot "un-love" his past girlfriends because he had truly loved them. I am not replacing anyone and he would not have me compare myself with any of his exes. Being with him should not mean that I negate his exes or try to erase the past that he had with them. I have learned that I am the one he loves at present because we "fit" each other (for the lack of a better term) perfectly at that time in our lives, and should work on growing together to have a future with each other.

I was 18 years old and I was finally brave enough to fall in this adventure called love. I am glad that I waited until I was mature enough when I had my first boyfriend. I am glad that he is my best friend. We had, and still have, a lot of things to iron out in our relationship. He is not my Prince Charming; he is my funny sidekick and I am happy with how my story is turning out.

The summer of 2003 started with "Jealous" and ended with "Forevermore".

Credits to Side A band